5 strategies to promote a healthy bond with our children.

What is attachment and what role does it play in the healthy development of our children?

The quality of the emotional bonds that a child establishes with their primary caregivers, known as attachment relationships, is one of the most important aspects of child development and throughout life. Attachment in the first years of life translates into a set of behaviors aimed at protecting the baby. The role of attachment figures is to provide security to the child, both physically and emotionally.

Attachment figures are those special people that a baby/child seeks out and trusts, especially in situations where they feel they need comfort or protection. Children develop attachment to key people in their lives: their primary caregivers, such as their mother and father, but also other important people in their lives such as grandparents and kindergarten teachers.

5 strategies to promote a healthy bond with our children:

1) Connection/Bonding Time: The Role of Synchronization Between Mother (or Other Caregiver) and Baby

Whether your child is a baby of just a few months old or already in preschool, they really need to feel connected to their attachment figures.
I'm talking about moments of intimacy, of calm, when we feel we're speaking "the same language" as our children.
It doesn't have to be something complicated or even time-consuming – they are small moments throughout the day when we pause a bit from the hustle and bustle of what we have to do and simply listen to what they have to say, show interest in what they are interested in, respond, and give them the opportunity to respond to us.
If we spend a large part of the day away from our children (for example at work), it becomes very important to give them the opportunity to reconnect with us when we get home (have you ever wondered why children have difficulty calming down or sleeping alone when they have been away from you all day?).
Research shows that this synchronicity in interaction with our children is closely linked to secure attachment and lower stress levels in children.

Tip: Play, talk, dance with your child... any activity where you are both focused on the same thing and communicating with each other (even if it's without using words...).

2) Helping to regulate emotions: a job for two.

Attachment figures play a crucial role in children's emotional regulation. As they grow, children face the increasingly demanding need to cope with situations that trigger feelings of uncertainty, sadness, frustration, etc.
Children can experience these emotions very intensely, especially between the ages of one and three when these feelings are so new and confusing. A child may sometimes feel unable to manage these emotions, and is not always able to express them in words. Small setbacks can lead to major tantrums.
That's why it's important for the adults around them to support this gradual learning of managing emotions, since they are not yet able to do it on their own. For example, it can help to name the emotion we think the child is feeling and ask if they agree (for example, "I think you're angry/sad because... do you think that's it?").
When we have to do something or forbid a child from doing something that triggers a negative emotion, it usually helps to explain that we understand it's difficult, but that it has to be this way (for example, "I know you'd like to play with that boy's toy, but it's not yours so it can't be"). In these types of prohibition situations, it can also help to give an acceptable alternative for both parties (for example, "You can't do/have this, but we can do that instead...").

Tip: Don't deny or neglect your child's emotions – even if some negative reactions seem exaggerated to an adult, and there's a temptation to say "it's nothing, you have no reason to be sad," for them the emotion is real, and we should try to see the situation from their point of view so they feel that their emotional experiences are valid. This is very important for the child to feel valued.

3) The importance of routines and consistency: it helps them feel secure and reduces tantrums.

Some children are more sensitive to changes in routine than others. However, predictability is a very important factor for all of them.
A predictable world is comforting and doesn't require as much adjustment of expectations on the part of the child, which helps to avoid out-of-control emotions and tantrums. On the other hand, this predictability also helps caregivers, because it becomes much easier to perceive whether what seemed like an unwarranted tantrum is actually sleepiness or hunger, for example.

Tip (if you have a baby who still requires constant care): look for those moments when you enjoy your baby the most – like right after breastfeeding or bath time; enjoying those little moments of pleasure with your baby will help you overcome the times when you feel down or exhausted.

Tip (if you have a child between 1-3 years old): at these ages, maintaining some routines, especially related to caregivers and sleep schedules, facilitates the well-being of the child and the family. But there will always be difficult moments, and during this developmental period it is more important than ever to try to remain calm, predictable, and understanding, even when you feel frustrated. Children tend to mirror or copy the reactions and behaviors of the adults around them.

4) Support exploration of the world: let them lead to develop skills and self-confidence.

Children learn through exploration. And exploration is closely linked to attachment because a child can only explore effectively if they feel reassured by their attachment figures.
The more supported a child feels by the adults around them, the more they will want to explore the world and try to understand how things work – that's what we call playing!
But there is a crucial question in how we provide this support. We must let the child lead the play and take the initiative regarding what and how they want to play.
By giving them space to explore independently, we stimulate their skills and self-confidence. We are there to accompany them, respond, look when they point and smile when they smile, comment when they hand us a toy, and use their interests to teach them about the world around them.
And by welcoming them with open arms whenever they invite us to participate, we are communicating that we are interested in their activities, just as they are always welcome to return to our "lap" if they feel tired or scared.

Tip: When the baby/child is focused and happy exploring a toy, keep a close eye on them and let them take the initiative to participate in the game.

5) Dealing with breakups: how to reduce the anxiety associated with saying goodbye

We all have times when we have to be separated from our children. Whether it's because we're going out and leaving them with someone, or because they're going to kindergarten, among other reasons.
Separation from attachment figures is difficult for children because it means leaving those they trust most precisely when they need them most (to help manage that same fear of being without them)! This is why separations are easier to manage when the child stays with another "key person," as well as when the child perceives that there is predictability in what will happen and in the return of their attachment figure.
For example, the first few days at kindergarten can be filled with anxiety, but over time the child learns what to expect from their day and trusts that the caregivers will return to pick them up at the end of the day.
Since separation situations trigger fear in children, it is essential that caregivers convey confidence and tranquility, and do not prolong the goodbye longer than necessary. If the child perceives that the adult is apprehensive and insecure about leaving them, they will feel that they have reason to be scared and that the situation they are being left in is not safe. They will look to their attachment figures for clues about how to feel about separation.
If a child has positive separation experiences, that is, even if they generate some anxiety, they are managed with confidence, they will feel more competent, effective, and autonomous – tools that will be very useful throughout their development.

Tip: If you have to leave your child with family members or educators, explain what will happen (even if the child doesn't speak yet), assure them that you will return to pick them up, and leave without prolonging the goodbye.

I hope you find this information and tips useful. Above all, remember that you are the most important person (or one of the few!) in your child's life, and whenever you do your best, you're doing enough!

Nice treats!

Dr. Paula Oliveira
Psychologist specializing in development
She holds a doctorate from University College London, teaches at that university, and is a researcher at the Anna Freud National Centre for Children and Families in London.
Full member of the Portuguese Order of Psychologists and the British Psychological Society.